If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
