I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
