I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
