Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
