I wish life had little blips of pornography
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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