Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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