shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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