Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
