Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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