I'm so fucking centered right now
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
