He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
