good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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