i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We need a shit load of segways right now
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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