I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
