So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
