There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
