mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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