He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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