apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
