All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I wish I only lived at night.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
