I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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