Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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