if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
