apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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