I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize