does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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