Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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