my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize