Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
