oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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