I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
