If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
