i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
