Who did Billy Mays play for?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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