She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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