i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
