Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
