3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
