I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
