I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
