On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
the day after is always just damage control
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
