WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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