I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
