when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
