I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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