I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
false alarm. still invincible.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
