I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
