I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
