Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
