Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
