So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
