i think i have two assholes
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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