While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
