If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
