I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
