just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
