to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize