I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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