Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
