so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
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