Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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